KAYLA ALDEDRESS

THE BRO CODE

1) Bros before hoes. The bond between

two men is stronger than that between a

man and a woman because on an average,

men are stronger than women. That’s just

science.

2) A bro is always entitled to do

something stupid as long as the rest of

his bros are all doing it. For

example... If only one Spanish dude were

to run down the street in front of a

bunch of angry bulls, people would have

been like "Dude, come on!!". The license

to be stupid is why we have bros in the

first place.

3) If a bro gets a dog, it must be

atleast as tall as his knee when full

grown. Corollary to this states, naming

a lap-dog after a pro-wrestler or a

character from a Steve McLain movie does

not absolve a bro from this article.

4) A bro never divulges the existence of

the bro code to a woman. It is a sacred

document not to be shared with chicks

for any reason.

NOTE: If you are a woman reading this,

first let me apologize: it was never my

intention for this book to contain so

much math. Second, I urge you to look at

this document for what it is a piece of

fiction meant to entertain a broad

audience through the prism of

stereotypical gender differences. I

mean, sometimes it really is like we're

from different planets! Clearly, no real

person would actually believe or adhere

to the vulgar rules contained within.*

Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

5) Whether he cares about sports or not,

a bro cares about sports.


6) A bro shall not lollygag if he must

get naked in front of other bros in a

gym locker room. Corollary to this

states, if a bro gets naked in the

locker room, all other bros shall

pretend that nothing out of the ordinary

is happening while at the same time

immediately averting their eyes. When in

doubt, remember the old adage. If your

towel drops to the ground, so should

your eyes.

7) A bro never sends a greeting card to

another bro. There are no sentiments

between two bros that cannot be

articulated through the convenience and

emotional distance of electronic mail.

8) A bro never admits he can’t drive

stick even after an accident.

9) Should a bro lose a body part due to

an accident or illness, his fellow bros

will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme

three" or "Wow!! Quitting your job like

that really took a lot of ball!!" It’s

still a hi-five and that bro still has a

lot of balls, metaphorically speaking of

course.

10) A bro will drop whatever he is doing

and rush to help his bro dump a chick.

It’s normal for a bro to get confused

and disoriented when dumping a chick.

For some reason he is worried she will

become agitated or even violent after he

calmly explains his desire to hook up

with her friends. This is when a bro

most needs his bro to remind him that

there are plenty of chick in the ocean

and that a breakup need not be

hazardous, stressful or even time-

consuming. How to dump an chick in 6

words or less...

- “Maybe try a side salad instead."

- “Cute!! You ‘re growing a moustache

too!!"

- “She looks like a younger you!!"

- “I will finance a boob job."

- “Sorry I threw your shoes out."

- “Your sister let me do that!!"

11) A bro may ask another bro to help

him move. But only after first

disclosing an honest estimate on both

time commitment and number of large

furniture pieces. If the bro has vastly

underestimated, either his bros retain

the right to leave his possessions where

they are, in most cases stuck in a

door-way.

12) Bros do not share dessert.

13) All bros shall dub one of their bros

his wingman.

14) If a chick enquires about another

bros’ sexual history, a bro shall honor

the Br-ode of silence and play dumb.

Better to have women think that all men

are stupid than to tell the truth.

15) A bro never dances with his hands

above his head.

16) A bro should be able to recite

anytime the following reigning

champions: Super bowl, World series and

Play Mate of the year.

17) A bro shall be kind and courteous to

his co-workers unless they are beneath

him on the pyramid of screaming. America

was built on the backs of men and women

who were yelled at to work harder and

the tradition has been screamed to

generation from generation. But you just

can’t scream at anybody. You can only

scream beneath you.

18) If a bro spearheads a beer run at a

party, he is entitled to any excess

monies accrued after canvassing the

group.

Note: To avoid confrontation it’s a good

idea to jettison the receipt before

returning to the party.

19) A bro shall not sleep with another

bro’s sister. However, a bro shall not

get angry if another bro says "Dude,

your sister’s hot!!". Corollary, it is

probably better for everyone if bros

just hide pictures of their sisters when

other bros are coming over. When in

doubt refer to the check list for bro-

proofing your home.

20) A Bro respects his Bros in the

military because they've selflessly

chosen to defend the nation, but more to

the point, because they can kick his ass

six ways to Sunday.

21) A Bro never shares observations

about another Bro's smoking-hot

girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot

girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by

saying "she's smoking-hot, huh?" a Bro

shall remain silent, because in this

situation, he's the only one who should

be baiting.

22) There is no law that prohibits a

woman from being a Bro. Women make

excellent bros because they can

translate and navigate the confusing and

contradictory whims that comprise the

chick code (Chick do have the chick

code!!).

23) When flipping through TV channels

with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to

skip past a program featuring boobs.

This includes but is not limited to,

exercise shows, women's athletics, and

on some occasions surgery programs.

24) When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro

may position the brim at either 12 or 6

o'clock. All other angles are reserved

for rappers and the handicapped.

25) A Bro doesn't let another Bro get a

tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls

name. The average relationship between a

man and a woman lasts 83 days. The

relationship between man and his skin

lasts a life time and must be nurtured

because the skin is the largest and

second most important organ a man has.

26) Unless he has children, a Bro shall

not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

27) A Bro never removes his shirt in

front of other Bros, unless at a resort

pool or the beach. Corollary, a bro with

a coat of fur on his back, keeps that

thing covered at all times even at

resort, pool or beach.

28) A Bro will, in a timely manner,

alert his Bro to the existence of a

fight between two fellow human beings of

the female variety. If an informed bro

is unable to witness the fight first

hand, a spotter bro is responsible for

documenting and relating details of girl

fight via pictures, video or, barring

any other reasonable method,

interpretive dance and/or pantomime.

29) If two Bros decide to catch a movie

together, they may not attend a

screening that begins after 4:40pm. Also

despite the cost savings, they shall not

split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead

to procure individual bags.

30) A Bro doesn't comparison shop.

31) When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the

hottest chick first because you just

never know.

32) A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to

get married until he's at least thirty.

33) When in a public restroom, a Bro (1)

stares straight ahead when using the

urinal; (2) makes the obligatory

comment, "What is this, a chicks'

restroom?" if there are more than two

dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts

to basketball toss his used paper towel

into the trash can like a

basketball...rebounding is optional.

34) Bros cannot make eye-contact during

a Devil's Three-way.

35) A Bro never rents a chick flick.

36) DD: When questioned in the company

of women, a Bro always decries fake

breasts.

37) A Bro is under no obligation to open

a door for anyone. If women insist on

having their own professional basketball

league, then they can open their own

doors. Honestly they're not that heavy.

38) Even in a fight to the death a Bro

never punches another Bro in the groin.

39) When a Bro gets a chicks number, he

waits at least ninety-six hours before

calling her. The reason is Bro-flation.

An unreasonable increase in female

expectations about how bros should act.

You call a woman the next day, she tells

her friends that you called the next

day, and soon enough, women everywhere

will expect guys to call them the next

day. Before you know it, bros the world

over will find themselves trapped in

relationships and all because you

couldn’t wait 96 little hours.

40) Should a Bro become stricken with

engagement, his Bros shall stage an

intervention and attempt to heal him.

This is more commonly known as "a

bachelor party."
41) A Bro never cries. Exceptions-

Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports

legend retire (only first time he

retires).

42) Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may

engage in a high five, fist bump, or a

Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

43) A Bro loves his country, unless that

country isn't America.

44) A Bro never applies sunscreen to

another Bro. Exceptions – If the Bros

are within 7 degrees latitude of the

equator.

45) A Bro never wears jeans to a strip

club. Reasons – a) Cloth pockets are

roomier and elastic allowing for a

thicker wad of cash. b) Denim clashes

with the club’s leopard, zebra or other

safari animal motif. c) One word, two

syllables, three hours in the ER –

Zipper. d) It’s a performance and

deserves respect. e) You don’t feel it

as much on your… you know what..

46) If a Bro is seated next to some dude

who's stuck in the middle seat on an

airplane, he shall yield him all of

their shared armrest, unless the dude

has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is

snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more

than once to use the lavatory, or (d)

purchased headphones after they

announced the in-flight movie is 27

Dresses. See Article 35.

47) A Bro never wears pink. Not even in

Europe.

48) A Bro never publicly reveals how

many chicks he's banged. Corollary – A

bro also never reveals how many chicks

another Bro has banged.

49) When asked, "Do you need some help?"

a Bro shall automatically respond, "I

got it," whether or not he's actually

got it. Exceptions – Carrying an

expensive TV, parallel parking an

expensive car and loading an expensive

TV on to an expensive car.

50) If a Bro should accidentally strike

another Bro's undercarriage with his arm

while walking, both Bros silently agree

to continue on as if it never happened.

51) A Bro checks out another Bro's blind

date and reports back with a thumbs-up

or thumbs-down.

52) A Bro is not required to remember

another Bros birthday, though a phone

call every not and again probably

wouldn't kill him.

53) Even in a drought, a Bro flushes

twice.

54) A Bro is required to go out with his

Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other

official Bro holidays, including

Halloween, New Year's Eve, and

Desperation Day (February 13th)

55) Even in an emergency that requires a

tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or

lends clothes to another Bro.

56) A Bro is required to alert another

Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party

falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Bro-

flation, a Bro is only allowed to alert

one Bro. Further, a Bro may not

speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick

Ratio of a party or venue without first

disclosing the present-time observed

ratio.

57) A Bro never reveals the score of a

sporting event to another Bro unless

that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants

to hear it.

58) A Bro doesn't grow a moustache.

Exception – While shaving it’s more than

ok for a Bro to keep the whiskers around

his mouth till the end so that he might

temporarily experiment with different

facial hair configurations.

59) A Bro must always post bail for

another Bro, unless it's out of state

or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy

expensive bail >(years you've been bros)

x $100)

60) A Bro shall honor they father and

mother, for they were once Bro and

chick. However, a Bro never thinks of

them in that capacity.

61) If a Bro for whatever reason becomes

aware of another Bro's anniversary with

a chick, he shall endeavor to make that

information available to his Bro,

regardless of whether he thinks his Bro

already knows.

62) In the event that two Bros lock on

to the same target, the Bro who calls

dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs

at the same time, the Bro who counts

aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If

both arrive at the number ten at the

same time, the Bro who bought the last

round of drinks has dibs. If they

haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller

of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the

same height, the Bro with the longer dry

spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be

of equal length, a game of discreet

Broshambo* shall determine dibs,

provided the chick is still there.

*Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.

63) A Bro will make any and all efforts

to provide his Bro with protection.

Bro-tection forms a central pillar or,

more accurately, a plastic coating for

the central pillar of the Bro way of

life.

While not legally or physically

responsible for any repercussions of

failing to provide protection, it’s not

uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs

of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes

infected with a disease. Some of which,

such as children, can last an entire

lifetime.

64) A Bro must provide his Bro with a

ticket to an event if said event

involves the second Bro's favorite

sports team in a playoff scenario.

65) A Bro must always reciprocate a

round of drinks among Bros. Exception -

A Bro is off the hook if a Bro orders a

drink with an umbrella in it.

66) If a Bro suffers pain due to the

permanent dissolution of a relationship

with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer

nothing more than a 'that sucks, man'

and copious quantities of beer. A Bro

will also refrain from pejorative

commentary - deserved or not - regarding

said lady friend for a period of three

months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE

WINDOW has closed.

67) Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a

party and commence playing, another Bro

shall point out that he is a tool.

68) If a Bro be on hot streak, another

Bro will do everything possible to

ensure its longevity, even if that

includes jeopardizing his own records,

the missing of work, or, if necessary,

generating a realistic fear that the end

of the world is imminent. Exception -

Dry spell trumps hot streak.

69) Duh.

70) A Bro will drive another Bro to the

airport or pick him up, but never both

for the same trip. He is not expected to

be on time, help with luggage, or

inquire about his Bro's trip or general

well-being.

71) As a courtesy to Bros the world

over, a Bro never brings more than two

other Bros to a party. Three Bros are

cool - Three amigos, Three musketeers,

The police, Apollo 13 Astronauts and the

Three stooges. Four Bros are lame –

Mount Rushmore, The Fantastic Four, The

Monkeys and Michael Jordan’s team mates.

72) A Bro never spell-checks.

73) When a group of Bros are in a

restaurant, each shall engage in the

time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay

the bill, regardless of affordability.

When the group ultimately decides to

divide the check, each Bro shall act

upset rather that enormously relieved.

74) At a red light, a Bro inches as

close as possible to the rear bumper of

the car in front of him, and then

immediately honks his horn when the

light turns green. That way if another

Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a

better chance of making it through the

intersection before the light turns red

again.

75) A Bro automatically enhances another

Bro's job description when introducing

him to a chick. Chicks like to stretch

the truth about their age, promiscuity

and sometimes, with the help of

extensive make-up and structural

lingerie, even their body shape. As

such, it is a fair game for Bros to

exaggerate reality when asked about

their Bro-fession.

76) If a Bro is on the phone with a

chick while in front of his Bros and,

for whatever reason, desires to say "I

love you" he shall first excuse himself

from the room or employ a subsonic barry

white-esque tone.

77) Bros don't cuddle.

78) A Bro shall never rack jack his

wingman. Rack jack is to steal your

wingman’s chick. To commemorate and

solidify the unbreakable bond between

the Bro and his wingman, it is

recommended that before going out, each

face the other, place his left hand on

the Bro code, raise his right hand, and

recite the wingman pledge.

79) At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly

trudge out for the garter toss and feign

interest for the benefit of the chicks

present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with

the garter shall light-heartedly pretend

he's not mortified at the thought of

being the next one to drop before

scurrying to the bar for a very stiff

drink and/or shots.

80) A bro shall make every effort to aid

another Bro in riding the tricycle

(engaging in a threesome), short of

completing the tricycle himself. The

total age of all the three should be

less than 83.  

REASONS FOR LOW TURNOUT OF VOTERS TO REGISTER:

1) KISUMU voters: We thought they would create an iPhone app for registering online. Omera, you don't expect us to burn fuel driving to a registration centre!

2) MOMBASA voters: We wake up at 10AM, have breakfast till midday, start preparing lunch at 1, lunch is ready by 3. We start eating. Lunch is over by 4. We rest a bit. Its already 5:30PM! When do we register jamaniii?

3) NAIROBI voters: You wake up at 5AM. Get stuck in traffic till 10AM. You have to extend office work past 5:30PM. Get stuck in traffic AGAIN for 5 hours going home. When do I register???

4) MERU voters: If they can bring the IEBC guys right in our miraa farms, we could register like crazy!

5) MACHAKOS voters: You wake up at 5AM to go out looking for water. Come back home at 8PM WITH NO WATER! Register, my a**!

6) EMBU voters: People are REGISTERING?? WHERE?? FOR WHAT??

7) TURKANA voters: Are we in Kenya? Oh, do tell us about it!

8) WESTERN voters: Its bull fighting season. So me, Wafula, leave a bull fighting arena to go register? Nikka preeeese!

9) KALENJIN voters: Everybody who is eligible to vote among us is too busy training for a marathon.

10) NYERI voters: We start domestic violence every night at 8PM. And it never ends. So we are too busy fighting to go register.

11) GARISSA voters: 5 years are already over? Damn, we thought it was still 2010!

Most Common Lies Ever Told

It wasn't me.
I'm fine.
Gee, you haven’t changed a bit.
The cheque is in the mail.
I never got the message.
We service what we sell.
She is only a friend.
That looks so good on you.
One size fits all.
I'll start my diet on Monday.
Thank you, dinner was so delicious.
I need 5 minutes of your time.
I never said that.
Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
Money cheerfully refunded.
This offer limited to the first 100 people who call in.
Leave your CV and we’ll keep it on file.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
Open wide, it won’t hurt a bit.
Let’s have lunch sometime.
It’s not the money, it’s the principle.
I wasn’t feeling well.
I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
I was just kidding.
I was only trying to help.

Why do Brides Wear White?

Why do Brides Wear White?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

MY ANGEL

Some people believe, there is a one
The one who points, your way to the sun.
A person they believe, makes them complete
The one who will support, when facing defeat.if to me you were a flower,

you would be my lily in the midst of our meadow.



'You are my angel', my one and only
My forever love, so we'll never be lonely.
You've brought to my life, all your love and care
It made me see, when I realized how rare you are .
What you've done, you've illuminated my soul
It's you and your love, that has made me whole.
The feel of your love, your soft touch and caress
We're tight so close, your heart beats in my chest.

All that we have, always felt missing before
Though I love you today, tomorrow it will be more.
Our love is life, we are the strongest tree
Which will always grow forever, like you and me.

You have opened my heart and held it so dear
You are my angel and will always keep it

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.
3. Let him watch the TV