REASONS FOR LOW TURNOUT OF VOTERS TO REGISTER:

1) KISUMU voters: We thought they would create an iPhone app for registering online. Omera, you don't expect us to burn fuel driving to a registration centre!

2) MOMBASA voters: We wake up at 10AM, have breakfast till midday, start preparing lunch at 1, lunch is ready by 3. We start eating. Lunch is over by 4. We rest a bit. Its already 5:30PM! When do we register jamaniii?

3) NAIROBI voters: You wake up at 5AM. Get stuck in traffic till 10AM. You have to extend office work past 5:30PM. Get stuck in traffic AGAIN for 5 hours going home. When do I register???

4) MERU voters: If they can bring the IEBC guys right in our miraa farms, we could register like crazy!

5) MACHAKOS voters: You wake up at 5AM to go out looking for water. Come back home at 8PM WITH NO WATER! Register, my a**!

6) EMBU voters: People are REGISTERING?? WHERE?? FOR WHAT??

7) TURKANA voters: Are we in Kenya? Oh, do tell us about it!

8) WESTERN voters: Its bull fighting season. So me, Wafula, leave a bull fighting arena to go register? Nikka preeeese!

9) KALENJIN voters: Everybody who is eligible to vote among us is too busy training for a marathon.

10) NYERI voters: We start domestic violence every night at 8PM. And it never ends. So we are too busy fighting to go register.

11) GARISSA voters: 5 years are already over? Damn, we thought it was still 2010!

Most Common Lies Ever Told

It wasn't me.
I'm fine.
Gee, you haven’t changed a bit.
The cheque is in the mail.
I never got the message.
We service what we sell.
She is only a friend.
That looks so good on you.
One size fits all.
I'll start my diet on Monday.
Thank you, dinner was so delicious.
I need 5 minutes of your time.
I never said that.
Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
Money cheerfully refunded.
This offer limited to the first 100 people who call in.
Leave your CV and we’ll keep it on file.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
Open wide, it won’t hurt a bit.
Let’s have lunch sometime.
It’s not the money, it’s the principle.
I wasn’t feeling well.
I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
I was just kidding.
I was only trying to help.

Why do Brides Wear White?

Why do Brides Wear White?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

MY ANGEL

Some people believe, there is a one
The one who points, your way to the sun.
A person they believe, makes them complete
The one who will support, when facing defeat.if to me you were a flower,

you would be my lily in the midst of our meadow.



'You are my angel', my one and only
My forever love, so we'll never be lonely.
You've brought to my life, all your love and care
It made me see, when I realized how rare you are .
What you've done, you've illuminated my soul
It's you and your love, that has made me whole.
The feel of your love, your soft touch and caress
We're tight so close, your heart beats in my chest.

All that we have, always felt missing before
Though I love you today, tomorrow it will be more.
Our love is life, we are the strongest tree
Which will always grow forever, like you and me.

You have opened my heart and held it so dear
You are my angel and will always keep it

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.
3. Let him watch the TV

HOW TO IMPRESS A LADY

1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddle her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Stroke her.
9. Tease her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Listen to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

NAUGHTY MOTHER IN LAW

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head ,fast asleep Not to be denied,he crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward,as he hurried downstairs for something to eat,he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How did you get down here so fast? he asked.We were just making love! "
"Oh my God oh, his wife gasped, That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache.I told her to lie down for a while. "

Rushing upstairs,the wife ran to the bedroom.

"Mother,i can't believe this happened.Why didn't you say something?"

"i haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and i wasn't about to start now,"

HOW YOU THINK YOU LOOK

How we think we look while drinking Vodka...... and How we actually look While drinking vodka

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor: How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not? Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub.... Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use d bucket bcoz its bigger.... Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Now will u plz proceed to bed no.39;-)

WHAT IF ??

Think of an advert for any product, type its slogan and add "between your legs" at the end, lets hear how it sounds and wat it says. E.g

- Geisha soap: lasts longer and longer and longer, "BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!"
- Embassy lights: smooth all the way "BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!"
- Tusker: stand tall, "BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!"
- Pilsner imara kama simba "BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!"

Enjoy the laugh!! hehehehE #TeamAwesome

Salary :P

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

n thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely,

 Norman $oh

 The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

DENNIS BORURA: AN "APARTMENT" #LoL

DENNIS BORURA: AN "APARTMENT" #LoL: hey don’t say… A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he...

HILLARIOUS STUFF

Kumbafu!

Kenyatta, Moi & Kibaki were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.So all three men went  separate ways to gather fruits.

Kenyatta came back and said to the king,"I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the 10 fruits up your butt without any _expression on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple went in.... but on the second one he winced out in  pain,so he was killed.

Moi arrived and showed the king ten berries.When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7....8...9 and on the tenth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed..

Kenyatta and Moi met in heaven and Kenyatta asked Moi, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" Moi replied, " I couldn't help it,

I saw Kibaki coming with pineapples"

FAKE SEDUCTION

Seducing women has become a corrupt affair, men are dry of sweet words and if they don’t tell a lady “you are beautiful” they tell her “you are sexy” or “I love you very much”. Others are dry completely and use chips, airtime, and money even calling them “chipsfunga”.  Hallo at your 20’s am sure you have said or heard those words more than a thousand times and they doesn’t  sound different.

What of telling ladies those same words differently and in a natural sweet way. Example look at her and with a flower tell her.

“Looking at you gives me so many definitions of the word beautiful and you are enough reason for me to appreciate Gods creation. Tonight I want you to count the stars with me and for every star you count I will tell it two good things about you, but am afraid you might run out of the stars before I complete my list. I brought you this flower for it to see how beautiful you are. The fact is you have so many treasures and I promise to always open my treasure with care love and dignity”

Now, that sounds different especially if you mean it.

wicked video from baby cham... wine up ....

ONLY MAN SHE WANTS - official video